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Yet he’s serious about a girl from another country and culture. At times, it can threaten the very fabric of family life and the larger family culture.

Doesn’t he understand that he is separating himself from her family and our values? We want him to stop seeing her and find a girl who is appropriate.”Ah. When that happens, parents are challenged to the depths of their souls.

Is your child’s choice so disappointing or contrary to how you brought them up that you can’t find a way to make peace with it? Your hope is that your disapproval will bring your child to his senses.

You won’t get to see him develop into his adult self.

You won’t be able to be there to comfort him in the hard times or to celebrate with him in the good. You won’t have someone who knows who you are to care about what happens to you when you are sick or old.

If we want to maintain the relationship with an adult child and to continue to participate in the family’s life cycle, it’s up to us to keep our heads and to model how to agree to disagree. Do not allow yourself to get defensive or angry or threatening. If nothing else, the fact that she is able to withstand your disapproval deserves some grudging respect. Let him know you wish he saw it your way but that you will do your best to embrace the person he cares so much about. If there are children in the picture, focus on them. Provide whatever emotional support you can for the difficult job of raising a child. As much as we like to think we know better, we don’t always.

Being older and wiser, it’s up to us to show our kids (and their partners) how to be gracious and open-hearted once the choice is made. Romantic love is more powerful than loyalty to parents, at least in the first flush of new romance. Express your wish for your child’s future happiness and the reasons you think she or he is making a mistake. The fact that she loves the child you love puts you on the same side. The kids’ welfare is something you all have in common. Loving the little ones can lead to love, or at least respect and some like, among the adults. Sometimes it just takes time for everyone to warm up to each other.

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You cannot prevent him, however, from punishing her by eliminating all contact with her.

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